for a while i wrote horroscopes for the cadre instead of fact and opinion so i would not have to write as much. i thought it went pretty well. i'd read the astrology section from my sister's seventeen magazine and make fun of it. i'm not sure of the accuracy of the dates for each sign, and i don't think seventeen is either.




Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22
You canít make an omelete without breaking a few eggs. But if you just want some cereal, put the eggs away and break a few light bulbs.

Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/21
You will become suspicious of Astrology when you read this horoscope.

Capricorn 12/22 to 1/20
If you were a doctor it wouldnít be illegal to remove your dad's gall bladder, but you should do it anyway.

Aquarius 1/20 to 2/18
If you plan on teasing anyone this is the month to do it.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/20
If someone says they listen to Whitesnake, shake their hand and tell them you do too.

Aries 3/21 to 4/20
Donít take your rubber snake out in public, or, for that matter, donít go out in public.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
If you donít stop walking like a penguin, you are going to start talking like a penguin.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Get a box of band aids and celebrate the fact that youíre preventing an infection.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
This is the month that you will be diagnosed with cancer.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Donít listen to anybody who claims to be a ďdentistĒ. You know your own teeth better than any stranger.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
If you feel like Oscar the Grouch, donít forget that heís got a Big Bird.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Be cautious if a stranger offers you a drive home, they probably mean their home and they might live in a real shit- hole.