I’ve been really busy lately. My career as a sex columnist has been put on hold ever since I found out
about a contest by bra manufacturer Victoria Morton. When her company, Personal Beauty Unlimited,
announced that they were looking for the world’s biggest breasts, I made it my goal to be the person
who discovers the lucky winner. My search has taken me on a few adventures, and at least three run-
ins with the law.
To get myself prepared, so I would be able to recognize the breasts when I see them, I rented a bunch
of videos and checked out some Internet pages. The stories in the movies were horrible, and I didn’t
think the acting was very good. I knew I should have gotten some pornos instead of renting a bunch of
Whoopi Goldberg movies. The web pages, on the other hand, were really useful. Those dancing
hamsters were entertaining, and erotic.
I scheduled an interview with Victoria Morton to find out why a 63-year-old woman would be as
interested as I was in finding the biggest breasts in the world. She’s been in the body business for more
than 30 years. She began to notice that bust lines have been getting worse every year. She found out
that the reason breasts are sagging is because of store bras. Morton told me, “Store bras are primarily
designed by men. And they’re miserable: they hike in the back, ride up in the front, and cut into our
shoulders.” Store bras also deceive women into thinking that they are gaining weight when the problem
is the way bras are designed. “A woman’s breast goes all the way to the corner of her arm while a
store bra stops an inch or two short of that. And it literally trains out a lump of breast tissue in the
corner of the arm that women think is fat. And worse yet store bras have a strong elastic strap so bust
tissue ends up hanging over the back of the bra rather than under the bra so they get smaller or
saggier.”
So Morton designed her own bra based on bridge engineering. The special design assists in training
bust tissue in its proper position. This gives the bust a chance to firm and tighten. Since her bras are
specially cut, Victoria has had to make a variety of different sizes. After she had to make cups the size
of bushel baskets, she became curious to how big she could go. In the Guinness Book of World
Records, the record for the largest breasts is 54 B. Morton has had customers with 58 M, so she knew
the record was not accurate. Thus, began her search. Her company is offering the owner of the worlds
biggest breasts a lifetime supply of bras.
I’m not interested in any prize. Find the winner will be reward enough for me. According to Morton, I
won’t have to look far because Canadian women have big breasts. A Canadian woman averages a C
cup while an American averages a B. I think they should make a Canadian Heritage moment about that.
Check out www.biggestbra.com for more information on the contest.
