Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22
You can’t make an omelete without breaking a few eggs. But if you just want some cereal, put the eggs away and
break a few light bulbs.
Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/21
You will become suspicious of Astrology when you read this horoscope.
Capricorn 12/22 to 1/20
If you were a doctor it wouldn’t be illegal to remove your dad's gall bladder, but you should do it anyway.
Aquarius 1/20 to 2/18
If you plan on teasing anyone this is the month to do it.
Pisces 2/20 to 3/20
If someone says they listen to Whitesnake, shake their hand and tell them you do too.
Aries 3/21 to 4/20
Don’t take your rubber snake out in public, or, for that matter, don’t go out in public.
Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
If you don’t stop walking like a penguin, you are going to start talking like a penguin.
Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Get a box of band aids and celebrate the fact that you’re preventing an infection.
Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
This is the month that you will be diagnosed with cancer.
Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Don’t listen to anybody who claims to be a “dentist”. You know your own teeth better than any stranger.
Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
If you feel like Oscar the Grouch, don’t forget that he’s got a Big Bird.
Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Be cautious if a stranger offers you a drive home, they probably mean their home and they might live in a real shit-
hole.
