Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22
If you take risks, you stand a good chance of financial gain. The only down side is that your body can't handle sex for money all the time.

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20
Look for romance at the movie theatre. Not romance for you, silly, I meant for Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Look for romance, but don't touch.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19
Treat yourself to a swim in a duck pond. But be sure to get all your shots if a duck bites you.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21
You might not always agree with others, but you should be open to new ideas if someone criticizes how you treat your slaves.

Aries 3/22 to 4/20
Pat yourself on the back for stealing money from those veterans.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
Do whatever you want. Those shitheads at the bank aren't the boss of you.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Trust your intuitions. People really are staring at you when you urinate in public.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
Chase your dreams, but try not to get wet.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Take a new approach to dating: instead of a fancy restaurant, go to Radio Shack.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
Avoid conflict by pretending to hear what people say to you. Nod and say "Really?" a lot.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Stay away from Capricorns. All they ever talk about is how much money you owe them.