entertainment jokes are almost as topical as internet jokes. this column died as soon as i wrote it. i'm not sure if even i remember such pop culture references as david arquette or latin fever anymore.
The Entertainment Payment

Welcome to the first edition of the Entertainment Payment, the home of celebrity gossip and pop culture observations. Let's start with a look at the past summer…

Following the success of "The Blair Witch Project" TV's teen witch, Sabrina, promises to kill more characters this season in hopes of tapping into a wider audience.

Speaking of summer blockbusters, did anyone see "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace"? Well word on the street is that Mel Brooks has already started making "Space Balls Episode One". After his failed lawsuit that claimed George Lucas stole the idea for Star Wars from his film "Spaceballs", Brooks has decided to fight back by making a parody of the latest "Star Wars" movie, but this time Brooks promises it will not be as serious as the original "Spaceballs". Brooks is actually going to make fun of the movie, instead of making an artistic statement. George Lucas is sure to feel this kick to his Spaceballs.

Is there anything those Gap models can't do? First of all they look good in slacks, and now they can sing too. I bet someone could make a lot of money of those kids.

Talk about life imitating art with "Scream" costars David Arquette and Courtney Cox. Not only are they an item, but they are also solving murder mysteries together. I don't know where they find the time between Courtney's role as the "bitch" on TV's "Friends" and David's whacky antics as the 1 800 CALL AT&T guy. But if I'm ever brutally murdered, I hope they're on the case.

Dick Martin is on top of the world with his smash hit, "Livin La Vida Loca" and TV's Entertainment Tonight can't help but acknowledge this fact every single day. They won't let me forget, and I can't stop watching. I need my Dick Martin updates or else my life just won't seem as complete.

Critics are accusing Rosie O'Donnel of being a sell out. That's ridiculous. She may not be Geraldo, but gosh darn it, her opinion counts too.

I don't know about you but I have a severe case of what the media has called "Latin Fever". Everytime I see a Jennifer Lopez video I get the trots real bad.

That's all for this week. And be sure to watch my cameo on John Daly's "Real TV" this week. My face is blurred out, but I'm the guy who gets arrested for public urination. I can't believe they have cameras inside bank machines.