letters to santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? My name is Skyler and I am 1 year old. I like Christmas very a
lot. Can I have some
surprises this year? I was a good boy. Can you bring my ferret, Olga, some
insects to eat? I will leave
some dead mice for your reindeer, and a glass of egg nog for you.
Love Skyler
Dear Skyler
I am getting ready for another big Christmas this year, and I am very busy
preparing the reindeer for the
long ride. You'd be surprised how out of shape my deer get between
Christmases because that's the
only time anyone feeds them. Around spring time they're starving, so the
mommy reindeers eat their
babies. By the time a reindeer reaches your age, they are dead...so
technically they don't even reach
your age. I appreciate your offering for my deer, and I love egg nog and all
other types of nogs, but the
only surprise you will receive this Christmas is the shocking discovery that
my reindeer ate your ferret.
Dear Santa
My name is Dakota, and I like you very much. I was a very good girl this
year, and I did not get into
any trouble at all. I was nice to my brother and I never hit him once, even
after the time he told my
crush, Chad, that I suffered from gout, and that I was really a man. Please
give me gifts, but don't give
my brother any because he is bad.
Yours truly,
Dakota
Dear Dakota
I try my best to keep track of who's naughty and who's nice, but nobody
likes a squealer, Dakota.
Especially not Santa. I believe you that you never hit your brother, but
that's no reason for me to give
you presents and not him. From what I can tell, your brother was just trying
to protect Chad from an
unlikeable little girl. He did Chad a favor, and if you truly like Chad, you
'll stay away from him. As far
as gifts go, I'll get the elves to whip up some cream for your gout. I'm
giving your brother a trip to
Florida, but you can't go with him because you'd probably ruin his trip.
Dear Santa
My name is Pepe. I live in an orphanage, but I do not want any presents this
year. I want all the other
boys and girls to be happy and get the toys they want. The only gift that I
ask for is to have a mommy
and a daddy. I love you Santa.
From Pepe
Dear Pepe
That's mighty generous of you to not ask for any toys this year, but who the
hell do you think I am? The
Filipino black market for babies? I'm sure there are lots of parents who can
't have children of their own
willing to pay good money for a healthy boy, but I got out of that market
years ago after I got my elves
from the underground slave trade in Taiwan. My advice to you, kid, is to
make connections through the
Internet, or place personal ads in newspapers. You're not going to get any
parents by asking me for
help, but if you have a strong back and little hands I could always use an
extra person to work in my
factory.
Dear Santa
I want the new Backstreet Boys CD, a belly shirt, and some body glitter for
Christmas. It must be fun
traveling around the world every year.
Love Jo-anne
P.S. just so you know, I will be five in January.
Dear Jo-anne
The Backstreet Boys sounded better when they were called New Kids On The
Block. Little girls
should not be dressing like the tramps that frequent Myron's and Casey's. It
would be more fun
traveling around the world every year, if I didn't spend the majority of my
time with my arse stuck in a
goddamn chimney. And I don't care when your birthday is, you're not getting
any extra presents.
Dear Santa
I am six months old, and I can't wait to celebrate my first Christmas. I
would like a dump truck, some
new clothes, and a doll.
Love Albert
Dear Albert
Your parents cannot fool me. If you're really six months old, how did you
learn how to write? And why would you be concerned with getting presents like a dump truck or
clothes? When I was ½½ a year
old, the only thing I wanted was food, sleep, and a place to vomit. Unless
you're some sort of freak,
super baby, I'm going to assume your parents forged your name on the letter.
Santa doesn't take fraud
lightly. Your parents will hear from my lawyers.
