coolbreeze city

SMUT

10/13/99

cooLLove is an advice collumn written by ll coolbreeze for the upei student newspaper, the cadre.

Dr. Coolbreeze is in da house. I'm not a real doctor, but I am a PhD in Lovemaking. Actually I'm not one of those either. I just watched the movie "Booty Call" a couple of times, so you can trust my advice.

Dear Coolbreeze,
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy, but he is always flirting with other people whenever we go out. It doesn't matter who it is either. He flirts with everyone. He flirts with the homeless man downtown, my mother, stray dogs, and preschool children. I'm so jealous that I refuse to leave the house when we're together. What should I do?
Envious in Edmunston

Dear Envious
Your problem is that you're not doing enough to keep your boyfriend's attention. Try shaving your head, or do sexy things like put objects you find on the street in your mouth. Your boyfriend will have no reason to stray if you constantly holler obscenities in family restaurants.

Dear Coolbreeze
My father built a robot in the form of a little girl. But instead of selling it to the military to use it as an effective killing machine, he pretends she's his daughter and he even has mom and me involved in his farce. We have to act like she's a real person in public. I've had no problem with this at first, but now I'm starting to get turned on at the thought of making love to a robot. Technically she's not really my sister, but is there anything wrong with this?
Hot and Bothered in Bathurst

Dear Hot
Go for it, man. But don't forget you can get a computer virus through cyber sex, so use lots of oil.

Dear Coolbreeze
My mom is always embarrassing me. She's fifty years old and whenever I have friends over, she pretends she's "one of the gang" and tries to hang out with us. I don't mind that she wants to be friendly, but she talks about me behind my back and tells my friends that I like Chris when she knows I can't stand him. I think she wants me to hook up with Chris so she can get a chance with my true crush, Billy. How can I stop my mom from spreading lies about me?
Mortified at Marion

Dear Mortified
If your mother wants to be treated like one of your friends, then you should treat her the same as you would treat your friends: scratch her eyes out, and spread rumors that she has an STD.

Dear Coolbreeze
I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her other head. Maybe I should clarify things. My girlfriend has two heads. I think the head I'm going out with knows about the affair, but she hasn't said anything yet, and the other head keeps threatening to tell that I've been unfaithful. The only reason I did this is because I heard the saying that "Two heads are better than one" but I now know from experience that this is definitely not true.
Double Trouble

Dear Double
If you cheat on your girlfriend, you're headed for lies and deceit. So keep on cheating, my friend, lying is fun and it is good practice if you ever plan on being an improvisational comic, like Mike Bullard or Peter Jennings.