Dear Coolbreeze,
I don't have a clue how to dress sexy. Whenever I see supermodels wearing skimpy outfits I think to myself,
"Gee, none of my clothes look like that." How can I change my wardrobe into one that will make men drool
over me?
Velvet Pants Vicky
Dear Vicky
If you think sexy, you will look sexy. So you don't have to alter the clothes you are wearing now. Just think
about people eating bananas, or gerbils running in a maze. If you wish to keep your thoughts pure, the key
to attracting drool is steak. Put a T-bone in your purse.
Dear Coolbreeze
I have a policy to never date people that I work with, but I've been thinking of changing that policy. It's not
like I'm actually going to start dating my coworkers, I rarely date anybody and I work for my family's
convenience store, so I'm related to everyone that works there. Should I change my policy?
Dirk the Clerk
Dear Dirk
I'm against dating with coworkers for three reasons. First of all, you can't discuss their quirky habits with
people you work with because they won't appreciate how funny their bathroom habits really are. Secondly,
they will know you're cheating on them when you lie about having to stay late at work. I won't tell you the
third reason because of a court order that forces me not to discuss the matter. Oh to hell with it, if you are
going to date a coworker, make sure they don't talk to hand puppets.
Dear Coolbreeze
My girlfriend asked me to take an STD test before we had sex, but it seemed strange. There were lots of
other people in the room and all of the questions on the test were about mathematics. It didn't seem to have
anything to do with STD's. I'm worried because I got the test back and I only got a 58. I passed it, but I want
to study before taking it next time to see if I can do better.
Wayne "The pull-out-couch" Muffins
Dear Wayne
You idiot, you took an economics test, not an STD test. You must have went in the wrong room or
something. In the future remember that an economics test has math questions on it, an STD test has
questions about zookeepers and requires you to pee in a cup. I should warn you that this is similar to an
engineering exam, except you don't have to be spanked by a man in a lab coat.
Dear Coolbreeze
I feel like I'm different. Every time I watch a movie with nudity in it I find myself excited. If I even glimpse a
nipple or a scrotum I find my heartbeat speeds up and I start to sweat. Is this reaction normal for a sixteen-
year-old boy? Or do I need help?
Billy Red Slacks
Dear Billy
The human body is something you should be ashamed of. The way you are reacting to naked bodies is
unnatural, unhealthy, and has the potential to traumatize you for the rest of your life. You need help
quickly. The next time you are excited by boobies, put a boiling hot teabag down your slacks and scream
out, "God made us naked so we could wear nice clothes."
