Dear Coolbreeze,
I’ve got a crush on girl that moved here from Calgary, but I can’t seem to communicate with her. Every
time I say something like “Represent Beyatch!!” she slaps me and calls me a little bastard. Is there a
way that I can let her know what I think?
Little Bastard
Dear Little
I have developed a fear of Calgary women ever since I got into an accident involving a rodeo clown at
the Calgary Stampede, so I’ve enlisted a friend of mine who recently moved to Alberta to handle your
question. Take it away, Vince: Calgary is one classy town, and the ladies are completely different from
the girls you’ll meet in PEI. The key to getting to know them better is knowing what to say. For
example, when Calgarians see a good looking girl, they say, "Hey baby, ya got a nice 'pooper' there!"
while pinching her butt. Or (my personal favourite)
"Hey suger, wanna touch pissers?" If she giggles, invite her out to shoot some prairie dogs. But if she
looks angry, run away. She probably has a gun.
Vince
Dear Coolbreeze
I’m a first year student at UPEI, and I need some advice on picking up girls.
Single Sam
Dear Nick
Dear Nick, there is one sure-fire method to getting girls at UPEI. If you want to get noticed, pour some
javex in your eye socket and run around campus screaming for help.
Dear Coolbreeze
Every time I try to use a cheque at Futureshop, the horny store clerks ask for my
drivers license. I don’t feel comfortable sharing personal information like my address, phone number, or
shoe size with guys I don’t know. Am I too uptight?
Private Pam
Dear Pam
Futureshop employees are the biggest creeps in the high tech retail world. I once tried to buy the DVD
for Sister Act Two from there, and they didn’t even have it! I’d rather steal merchandise from Zellers,
then spend my hard-earned cash at Futureshop. Oh yeah, you probably are uptight. Relax, take a
bubble bath, ride a bicycle, or shoot out Futureshop's windows with a pellet gun.
Dear Coolbreeze
My boyfriend keeps teasing me because I have a flat chest. He doesn’t know it, but it really bothers
me. Should I leave him or get breast implants?
Flat Fran
Dear Fran
Breast implants are so 1998. You should tell your boyfriend to stop living in the nineties, and get elbow
extensions. It’s the latest fashion craze in Europe. All the hip girls are having bone removed from their
legs and surgically placed on their arms to exaggerate the size of their elbows, and shorten their height
to a more sexy measurement. Once you find someone in North America willing to do this procedure,
and get your elbows extended, you won’t even need your boyfriend and his unattractive, “petite”
elbows anymore, you’ll be able to grab any man you want!
