Dear Pokemon
You're looking at this whole situation the wrong way. You should look at your young fans as a way to win the hearts of any woman you want. Women love sensitive men who can befriend children. That is why the Big Brother program was started: so guys could trick chicks into sleeping with them. But a more reasonable way to take advantage of these boys without taking them to baseball games is to tell women you are holding them hostage and you will cause them bodily harm unless she lets you POKE her, MON.

Dear Jenny
That's a question I ask myself all the time. A good hunk is hard to find, unless you hang out at reform schools or senior citizens homes. Here are some of the qualities of two babes: Leonardo Di Caprio is an irresistible thief because of his street smarts and his ability to pick a lock with his tongue. And Sean Connery, the sexiest crusty man in the world, has appeal because of his gray hair and his collection of wooden duck carvings.

Dear Chris
Next time a fat woman accuses you of being a country star, ask her if she's ever slept with you. I suspect that when you have a blackout, you try to convince fat women and truck driving hillbillies that you're an award winning country singer in order to have your way with them. When you wake up you lose any recollection of the events that happened to you because you are embarrassed at how pathetic you became. I used to have the same problem: whenever I'd fall asleep I would become Jeff Foxworthy.

Dear Martha
Fathers are protective of their daughters. Sometimes they are worried about boys taking advantage of their little girls, and sometimes they are genuinely concerned with bladders.