Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22
If Elvis Stojko can get over a groin injury, why are you complaining about not having any legs?

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20
Don't neglect your studies. But is acceptable to put them on hold when "Suddenly Susan" is on.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19
Avoid committing to the responsibility of a new pet. Killer bees sound like a good idea, but it is impossible to train them to catch frisbees.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21
After a few romantic disasters, you should know by now the difference between dating and wrestling.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
You will have a secret admirer, but don't get too excited. Your admirer's secret is that his favorite movie is "Ernest Goes to Camp."

Aries 3/22 to 4/20
Too much work is making you a workaholic and its time you took a break. Become an alcoholic, or better yet a Jerichoholic.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
It's time you got a part time job. It's the only way you'll be able to pay for some expensive cologne to hide your natural pine odor.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Prepare for the future today. You should store lots of dry goods in case you ever get too lazy to go to a grocery store.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
Hold on to your cash. Your friends may need to borrow some, but they should learn to pay for their own third world foster child.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Change your wardrobe now. It's only a matter of time before Hammer pants will come back in style.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Romantic sparks will fly, so stay away from old cans of paint.