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MORE THE FUTURE
for a while i wrote horroscopes for the cadre instead of fact and opinion so i would not have to write as much. i thought it went pretty well. i'd read the astrology section from my sister's seventeen magazine and make fun of it. i'm not sure of the accuracy of the dates for each sign, and i don't think seventeen is either.

horroscopes

horroscopes

horroscopes

Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22
If you don't find a new love interest, build one out of household items.

Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22
If Elvis Stojko can get over a groin injury, why are you complaining about not having any legs?

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20
Don't neglect your studies. But is acceptable to put them on hold when "Suddenly Susan" is on.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19
Avoid committing to the responsibility of a new pet. Killer bees sound like a good idea, but it is impossible to train them to catch frisbees.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21
After a few romantic disasters, you should know by now the difference between dating and wrestling.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
You will have a secret admirer, but don't get too excited. Your admirer's secret is that his favorite movie is "Ernest Goes to Camp."

Aries 3/22 to 4/20
Too much work is making you a workaholic and its time you took a break. Become an alcoholic, or better yet a Jerichoholic.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
It's time you got a part time job. It's the only way you'll be able to pay for some expensive cologne to hide your natural pine odor.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Prepare for the future today. You should store lots of dry goods in case you ever get too lazy to go to a grocery store.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
Hold on to your cash. Your friends may need to borrow some, but they should learn to pay for their own third world foster child.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Change your wardrobe now. It's only a matter of time before Hammer pants will come back in style.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Romantic sparks will fly, so stay away from old cans of paint.