for a while i wrote horroscopes for the cadre instead of fact and opinion so i would not have to write as much. i thought it went pretty well. i'd read the astrology section from my sister's seventeen magazine and make fun of it. i'm not sure of the accuracy of the dates for each sign, and i don't think seventeen is either.




Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22
You need to express your opinions. Tell the world how much you hate talking animals.

Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22
If you take risks, you stand a good chance of financial gain. The only down side is that your body can't handle sex for money all the time.

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20
Look for romance at the movie theatre. Not romance for you, silly, I meant for Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Look for romance, but don't touch.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19
Treat yourself to a swim in a duck pond. But be sure to get all your shots if a duck bites you.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21
You might not always agree with others, but you should be open to new ideas if someone criticizes how you treat your slaves.

Aries 3/22 to 4/20
Pat yourself on the back for stealing money from those veterans.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
Do whatever you want. Those shitheads at the bank aren't the boss of you.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Trust your intuitions. People really are staring at you when you urinate in public.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
Chase your dreams, but try not to get wet.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Take a new approach to dating: instead of a fancy restaurant, go to Radio Shack.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
Avoid conflict by pretending to hear what people say to you. Nod and say "Really?" a lot.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
Stay away from Capricorns. All they ever talk about is how much money you owe them.