for a while i wrote horroscopes for the cadre instead of fact and opinion so i would not have to write as much. i thought it went pretty well. i'd read the astrology section from my sister's seventeen magazine and make fun of it. i'm not sure of the accuracy of the dates for each sign, and i don't think seventeen is either.

this group of horroscopes was written for the last issue of 1999. anticipating the y2k bug and millenial paranoia, i thought it would be fun to reflect on death and the end of the world. enjoy!




Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22
The eminent destruction of the world means romance is in the air, but not for you. She wasn't joking when she said she wouldn't sleep with you even if you were the last man on earth.

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20
Minutes before the end of everything you will be mad at yourself for all those hours wasted watching Jonovision.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19
Since we're all going to die anyway, farting in public should be the least of your concerns.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21
Reflect on the past and think about how those jerks that called you "Saddlebags" in high school will all be annihilated.

Aries 3/22 to 4/20
Dress in black. It makes a fashion statement about the end of the world and it increases your chances of getting hit by a car at night.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21
When doomsday arrives, start telling people the truth about the size of their bums.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21
Y2K should be fun. Instead of worrying about whether or not your VCR will work, go to the senior citizens building and laugh at the people with malfunctioning pacemakers.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23
If you hear the Great Big Sea's version of the song "It's The End of the World as We Know It" it is not a sign that world is going to end, just Great Big Sea's career.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23
Of all the ways to die, you have to be stuck with the earth's demise. But cheer up, it beats catching a sexually transmitted disease from a monkey.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23
Most Christians believe the world will end with Jesus passing final judgement on everyone. They're only half right: Judge Judy will have the final say on things, not Jesus.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23
A good joke when they drop the bomb, would be to ask your neighbor to rub sun tan lotion on your back.

Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22
Try not to worry about exams. When the world ends, that course you're taking in German won't help you.