SMUT cooLLove
CB is back, and boy am I itchy. I was away for the past couple of weeks doing "research" for a letter I received about bath houses. This week the letters seem to have a running theme: people asking the Love Doctor for advice. And I've got bags full of helpful hints for all you perverts on campus.

cooLLove is an advice collumn written by ll coolbreeze for the upei student newspaper, the cadre.


cooLLove 11/09/99


cooLLove 11/16/99


cooLLove 06/09/00

Dear Coolbreeze,
My boyfriend is a real gentleman. He opens doors for me, buys me flowers, and compliments my appearance. But it seems weird when he gives me money after sex. Is there something wrong with me?
Moneybags Melanie

Dear Moneybags
There is something wrong with you. You should be getting your money before the sex, not after. Your boyfriend might rip you off otherwise.

Dear Coolbreeze
I was desperate for a man until one of my friends told me about a program that allows single women to meet men in prisons. Well I started writing letters to a guy in Cell Block Two and we really had a lot in common. I'm a teacher and I work with children, he's in jail for selling drugs to children. He's up for parole soon, and I hope to meet him when he gets out, but he is already involved in a relationship. His cellmate, Steve, made him his "bitch" and doesn't want him to see anyone else when he gets out. How on earth can I compete with a convicted rapist to win the heart of the drug dealer of my dreams?
Down By Law

Dear Down
Prison sex is better than anything you can offer your felon. But if he does get out, try and set the mood by giving him a carton of smokes.

Dear Coolbreeze
I'm a construction worker and I can't help but whistle at the pretty women who walk by the site. They assume that I'm some kind of pig, but I'm really a sensitive guy. I only whistle because whenever I try talking to a girl I end up saying stupid stuff like, "Oh my God, are those real?" or "Nice ass, want to park it in my driveway?" or "Damn!!!!! You make me harder than Chinese algebra." Whistling allows me to communicate making less of an ass of myself. Is there any other way I can let a girl know I want to make a commitment?
Whistling Willy

Dear Willy
Have you considered writing down what you want to tell the ladies or using pictures? If you spray paint messages of your love on the side of her building she will have no choice but to fall for you. I once liked a girl and I wrote "Metallica Rules" on an office building near her work. After the paint dried she got busy with Breeze.

Dear Coolbreeze
I was talking to a friend at a party when my secret crush came up to us and asked, "Would you like to dance?" I immediately started to bump and grind with my crush to the music when he pushed me away and said, "I was talking to your friend." I was mortified, and I haven't spoken to my friend ever since. How could she do this to me?
Dancing With Myself

Dear Dancing
In some cultures you would have the legal right to kill your friend for stealing your crush, but this culture is too rigid and backwards. You should invite your friend to New Orleans for a weekend and then plot her death. According to the hit film, Double Jeopardy, you could shoot her in the middle of Mardigras and there is nothing anyone could do about it.