Iíve got a crush on girl that moved here from Calgary, but I canít seem to communicate with her. Every
time I say something like ďRepresent Beyatch!!Ē she slaps me and calls me a little bastard. Is there a
way that I can let her know what I think?
I have developed a fear of Calgary women ever since I got into an accident involving a rodeo clown at
the Calgary Stampede, so Iíve enlisted a friend of mine who recently moved to Alberta to handle your
question. Take it away, Vince: Calgary is one classy town, and the ladies are completely different from
the girls youíll meet in PEI. The key to getting to know them better is knowing what to say. For
example, when Calgarians see a good looking girl, they say, "Hey baby, ya got a nice 'pooper' there!"
while pinching her butt. Or (my personal favourite)
"Hey suger, wanna touch pissers?" If she giggles, invite her out to shoot some prairie dogs. But if she
looks angry, run away. She probably has a gun.
Iím a first year student at UPEI, and I need some advice on picking up girls.
Dear Nick, there is one sure-fire method to getting girls at UPEI. If you want to get noticed, pour some
javex in your eye socket and run around campus screaming for help.
Every time I try to use a cheque at Futureshop, the horny store clerks ask for my
drivers license. I donít feel comfortable sharing personal information like my address, phone number, or
shoe size with guys I donít know. Am I too uptight?
Futureshop employees are the biggest creeps in the high tech retail world. I once tried to buy the DVD
for Sister Act Two from there, and they didnít even have it! Iíd rather steal merchandise from Zellers,
then spend my hard-earned cash at Futureshop. Oh yeah, you probably are uptight. Relax, take a
bubble bath, ride a bicycle, or shoot out Futureshop's windows with a pellet gun.
My boyfriend keeps teasing me because I have a flat chest. He doesnít know it, but it really bothers
me. Should I leave him or get breast implants?
Breast implants are so 1998. You should tell your boyfriend to stop living in the nineties, and get elbow
extensions. Itís the latest fashion craze in Europe. All the hip girls are having bone removed from their
legs and surgically placed on their arms to exaggerate the size of their elbows, and shorten their height
to a more sexy measurement. Once you find someone in North America willing to do this procedure,
and get your elbows extended, you wonít even need your boyfriend and his unattractive, ďpetiteĒ
elbows anymore, youíll be able to grab any man you want!