SMUT cooLLove
cooLLove is an advice collumn written by ll coolbreeze for the upei student newspaper, the cadre.


cooLLove 11/09/99

cooLLove 10/27/99


cooLLove 11/16/99


Dear Coolbreeze,
Iíve got a crush on girl that moved here from Calgary, but I canít seem to communicate with her. Every time I say something like ďRepresent Beyatch!!Ē she slaps me and calls me a little bastard. Is there a way that I can let her know what I think?
Little Bastard

Dear Little
I have developed a fear of Calgary women ever since I got into an accident involving a rodeo clown at the Calgary Stampede, so Iíve enlisted a friend of mine who recently moved to Alberta to handle your question. Take it away, Vince: Calgary is one classy town, and the ladies are completely different from the girls youíll meet in PEI. The key to getting to know them better is knowing what to say. For example, when Calgarians see a good looking girl, they say, "Hey baby, ya got a nice 'pooper' there!" while pinching her butt. Or (my personal favourite) "Hey suger, wanna touch pissers?" If she giggles, invite her out to shoot some prairie dogs. But if she looks angry, run away. She probably has a gun.

Dear Coolbreeze
Iím a first year student at UPEI, and I need some advice on picking up girls.
Single Sam

Dear Nick
Dear Nick, there is one sure-fire method to getting girls at UPEI. If you want to get noticed, pour some javex in your eye socket and run around campus screaming for help.

Dear Coolbreeze
Every time I try to use a cheque at Futureshop, the horny store clerks ask for my drivers license. I donít feel comfortable sharing personal information like my address, phone number, or shoe size with guys I donít know. Am I too uptight?
Private Pam

Dear Pam
Futureshop employees are the biggest creeps in the high tech retail world. I once tried to buy the DVD for Sister Act Two from there, and they didnít even have it! Iíd rather steal merchandise from Zellers, then spend my hard-earned cash at Futureshop. Oh yeah, you probably are uptight. Relax, take a bubble bath, ride a bicycle, or shoot out Futureshop's windows with a pellet gun.

Dear Coolbreeze
My boyfriend keeps teasing me because I have a flat chest. He doesnít know it, but it really bothers me. Should I leave him or get breast implants?
Flat Fran

Dear Fran
Breast implants are so 1998. You should tell your boyfriend to stop living in the nineties, and get elbow extensions. Itís the latest fashion craze in Europe. All the hip girls are having bone removed from their legs and surgically placed on their arms to exaggerate the size of their elbows, and shorten their height to a more sexy measurement. Once you find someone in North America willing to do this procedure, and get your elbows extended, you wonít even need your boyfriend and his unattractive, ďpetiteĒ elbows anymore, youíll be able to grab any man you want!